Best wises to all of you for a prosperous and profitable new year.

     _   _
    | | | | __ _ _ __  _ __  _   _
    | |_| |/ _` | '_ \| '_ \| | | |
    |  _  | (_| | |_) | |_) | |_| |
    |_| |_|\__,_| .__/| .__/ \__, |
                |_|   |_|    |___/
          _   _
         | \ | | _____      __
         |  \| |/ _ \ \ /\ / /
         | |\  |  __/\ V  V /
         |_| \_|\___| \_/\_/

         __   __
         \ \ / /__  __ _ _ __
          \ V / _ \/ _` | '__|
           | |  __/ (_| | |
           |_|\___|\__,_|_|

Sharing a few jokes on new year resolution and depression with you…

Quit smoking

Rakesh: Hi Raj, please give me a cigarette.

Raj: I thought you made a new year resolution to quit smoking.

Rakesh: I did. I am in the process of Qutting. I can’t do it
overnight. I have taken a phased approach. Phase one is
ongoing. To be honest, I am quite successful at it.

Raj: And, What is Phase One?

Rakesh: I have quit buying.

A depressed man

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays
like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver
steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it
all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was
just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand
seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall
asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires
me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was
stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home
and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards
there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get
there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and
come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my
life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Technorati Tags: driver, joke, jokes, life, office, Subprime, think, wife

          __  __
 __/\__  |  \/  | ___ _ __ _ __ _   _   __/\__
 \    /  | |\/| |/ _ \ '__| '__| | | |  \    /
 /_  _\  | |  | |  __/ |  | |  | |_| |  /_  _\
   \/    |_|  |_|\___|_|  |_|   \__, |    \/
                                |___/
  ____ _          _     _
 / ___| |__  _ __(_)___| |_ _ __ ___   __ _ ___
| |   | '_ \| '__| / __| __| '_ ` _ \ / _` / __|
| |___| | | | |  | \__ \ |_| | | | | | (_| \__ \
 \____|_| |_|_|  |_|___/\__|_| |_| |_|\__,_|___/

        ___
       /   \
       \   /
  _     | |     _
 / \____| |____/ \
 |  ____   ____  |
 \_/    | |    \_/
        | |
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        |_|

Blackmail

Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

“Dear Jesus,” he wrote. “If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won’t fight with my brother Hank for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

“Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year.” Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea.

He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family’s statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, “Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again…”

Stolen Goose

Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won’t have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen…

The Atheist and the Shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can’t lie the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”

The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive…”

Technorati Tags: almighty, jokes, mythology

(Few of the lines are offensive)

English is not designed to be a perfect technical language.
e.g
You are looking Fine.
Fine for parking.

What does Fine Convey?

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to
communicate with their English speaking tourists.

See tge nessages below, and the wrong mening they coney.

Cocktail lounge:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

At a zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD,
GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor’s office:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:

COLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR
ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

Car rental brochure:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET
HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE
THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.

Technorati Tags: jokes